Does time heal all wounds?

Time Is Not Enough | © 2021 Christopher Sanford

Mom’s Smile | © 2021 Christopher Sanford

On Saturday, I found myself staring at my aunt throughout the day. It’s uncanny how much she can look like my mom. At one point I looked over and thought I saw my mom taking a nap, which really threw me off.

For those who don’t know, Saturday marked two years since my mom died. Naturally, she is on my mind more than ever on this day each year. Seeing her sister and brother only amplified those feelings as each of them reminds me of her in different ways. It is always so great to see them because I feel like I know my mom a little more after each of our conversations, but I couldn’t stop myself from spending the day in quiet introspection. How have I progressed through my healing process? Is two years enough time to “get over” my grief? Does time heal all wounds?

Over the past two years, I cannot count the numbers of times that I’ve heard the saying “time heals all wounds.” Considering I don’t miss my mom any less today than I did two years ago, I’ve started to wonder if time does heal all wounds. If so, how much time does it take? It would be great if we could get a timeline with our grief that says we’ll pass through it in X number of days, months, or years. My journey has made me think that time alone cannot be the answer because time continues whether I want it to or not, whether I heal or not.

If not time, then what? If my journey has taught me anything, it is the idea that healing comes through the work we put in. It comes through the difficult conversations. Healing is only found when we’re ready to walk through the darkness of night into the promise of the sunrise. Let’s explore the night together.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, counselor, or any other type of professional who is licensed to offer mental health advice. I’ve included some resources below to help locate someone who can help with your personal situation.

Healing in community

I started reading in 2019 for the first time in my life, and a lot of the books I’ve read focus on mental health, either from an academic perspective or a personal, experiential one. Regardless of worldview, most books have pointed to community as the primary means of healing because of the sense of safety and freedom it brings. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel A. van der Kolk says, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.” From my own story, I can attest to the idea that strong friendships have brought more healing than any other area of my life. What does that look like though?

Having a strong community continually reminds me that I have never been asked to walk through life alone. Two years ago, around 9:00 AM I received the worst phone call of my life to date. My mom was being taken to the hospital unresponsive, and the EMTs had little hope for any recovery. My world stopped. The rest of that morning was a fog as I left my office and made a few calls to let people know I would be out of town for the coming days. Before I could get my bags packed and head to Kansas City, two friends showed up at my house. One friend who lost her dad only a few months prior showed up to give me a hug. Another friend showed up a few minutes later with a sandwich (his own lunch) for me and a cup of coffee. Both offered something I desperately needed without me even being able to verbalize my need – sustenance and affirmation that I didn’t have to do this alone. A few days later, we held my mom’s memorial service, and a different friend made the five-hour drive from OKC to KC. While I had quietly hoped to myself that an army of friends would show up that day, I knew most of the support would be needed in the days to come – and they did not disappoint. Through the past two years, people have shown up again and again, demonstrating that it is okay to share the burden of grief with others, not knowing the encouragement they brought me with each call, text, or cup of coffee. If you’re hurting, reach out to a friend. If you know a friend is hurting, reach out to them. No act is too small. No act is too big. Remind yourself that community is good.

How can we find community though? In today’s cyber society, connecting with others can be harder than ever. Community comes naturally to me as part of the Christian faith. The majority of my friendships have been formed in the church, with the rest of them from my workplace. While I would love to see everyone jump into this community, I know that’s not the answer for everyone. Community comes in all shapes and forms. Do you love hiking, biking, or kayaking? Head over to Google or Facebook for a quick search, and you’ll likely find a local group of people (soon to be friends) who do as well. Maybe books are your thing – join a local book club. No matter your interests, I would venture out to say that you can find a group of people who are just as interested as you. Take a chance, and give something a try. While I find a lot of answers for myself in the quiet moments of life such as a day alone with my kayak and the river, there’s a big difference between isolation and solitude. Don’t lock yourself away. Let others help you heal.

Healing in therapy

Speaking of people who can help you heal, who could do it better than a person who is trained to help you process life? Many things can prevent us from seeing a counselor or therapist. There are realities of life that prevent it such as the cost and time associated with each session. I had to stop going for a while because I couldn’t find the time to drive across town during my therapist’s office hours. Then my insurance changed, and he wasn’t covered. Then all the counselors I wanted to try were full. Logistically, adding anything to a packed schedule is difficult. We also have mental roadblocks such as thinking of yourself as less or different for seeing a professional. I can attest to this in my own life. While I will generally speak openly about going to therapy, there are still times where I think “I don’t NEED to see someone” as if I’m so knowledgeable or mature that there’s nothing with which I could benefit from professional help. What a load of crap!

I put off counseling for a while because I thought it was only for people with diagnosable mental illnesses. This is a thought that many of us were taught, whether consciously or not, by society, our parents, and their parents. I didn’t try therapy until I was 24 because my life seemed to be going well. I was a high achiever in school, my career was progressing just fine, and I had plenty of friends – so why bother with counseling? I’ve found that a good counselor or therapist (I’m not sure the actual difference) can help with just about every area of life. Are you considering a career change? Go to counseling. Are you grieving the loss of a parent, friend, or significant person in your life? Go to counseling. Are you having a hard time building meaningful relationships? Go to counseling. Are you breathing? Go to counseling! I kid here, but I believe counseling is for everyone. Don’t miss the opportunity to invest in yourself through counseling.

Healing in faith

I would be remiss to ignore the role that faith has played in my healing. For me, ultimate healing comes through the understanding that there is life to live after death on this planet. Healing comes through reminding myself of Jesus’s teaching in Matthew 11:28 when he says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” The Christian faith teaches time and again the ideas that I’ve highlighted above. It teaches that we are to live in community. It teaches that we are to go to others when we need help. Its teachings are so practical to me. Does it teach some ideas that are harder for us to understand? Yes – it’s not every day that we read about someone bringing himself back to life. This teaching, however, changes everything about my worldview. It provides a hope that this life isn’t for nothing. Instead, this life is for building everlasting relationship and purpose.

Does time heal all wounds?

“The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.”

— Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

I don’t think time alone can heal our wounds. Time will march onward regardless of our healing along the way. Instead, healing is found when we dig deep. Healing is found only when we give ourselves what we need. Often, we are needing some friends, a therapist, and some purpose in our lives. Healing is found when we brave the darkness to find the sunrise, or said another way by Jerry Sittser, “The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.”

Explore community. Explore therapy. Explore faith. Help yourself find healing.

Book Recommendations

The following books contain affiliate links.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD - This is a great read for anyone trying to understand trauma. This book is full of both personal application points and academic understanding of trauma.

Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost - This book is perfect for someone struggling with relationships in general, but especially for Christians struggling through relationships with their father. Of all the books I read, the teaching here about community’s role in our healing was most impactful.

Sorry for Your Loss by Jessie Ann Foley - This is a fiction book about a family’s healing through the loss of a son. It portrays the healing process through many viewpoints and teaches a great lesson about how the healing process is different for each person.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb - A therapists tells her story about going to therapy. This book is practical and makes the need for therapy feel relatable.

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser - The real story of a man losing his wife, mother, and young daughter in a tragic car accident. Sittser explores his faith, sorrow, and hope in this helpful read.

Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari - Though this book is focused on depression, I think it is a helpful read for understanding the importance of community and relationships.

Resources for Counseling

United Way 211.org - Call 211 at any time, and the United Way will help to connect you with any resources you could need including mental health, food, and medical expenses.

Psychology Today Search - Find a therapist or counselor in your area.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1 (800) 273-8255 Find help through the 24/7 crisis prevention network.

Once you find a counselor, they are also a great way of connecting to the resources available in your area.

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